A Medical And Personal Breakdown

My results were in.

As I waited for the doctor, my anxiety spiked. I needed truth, but was terrified to hear it. My mind would not calm down. Meditation, deep breaths, imagining good news, all tactics I had used in the past, failed me.

“What if I was sick?”

“How would I tell my family?

“How would I pay for treatment?”

As I panicked, Dr. P strolled in with his trademark nonchalant approach. He shuffled papers in my chart as I willed myself not to slap the folder out of his hand and demand he speak to me.

Finally he said, “You do not have cancer, you have a form of Arthritis.”

As I processed the news, he continued speaking. Arthritis can be a potentially serious, but treatable condition. I was obviously relieved, but had questions about types of Arthritis, treatments and more importantly, why it could be a serious condition.

He addressed my questions with personal advice. “I would thank God I did not have cancer, and live your life.” I was taken by surprise, but did not realize why until I was home. I handled his comment by acknowledging the good news about cancer and immediately deciding to find another doctor.

When my fiance and I returned home, I figured out my issue with Dr. P’s comment. Regardless of my place on the religious spectrum, his comment was unacceptable. I look to doctors for facts, not spiritual guidance.

Yes, I was grateful the test was negative for cancer. But, I was 24 years old and had just been diagnosed with a condition, that up until now had wreaked havoc on my life. I needed a doctor that would be a partner in the management of my disease. It was time to say good-bye to Dr. P and hello to someone new. This break-up was his fault and I was determined to find someone better!

Fast forward 24 hours.

​I walked home from work and my knees throbbed. As I changed clothes, I noticed my gym bag in the corner. I instantly reminisced to the active life I had. Exploring my city, lifting weights and playing with my dog. I broke down and cried so loud, I didn't hear my spouse come home. He saw me, rushed in, and hugged me. In between sobs I said, "I can't do this anymore, I want my life back".